Scousesubs

Submariners Times
October/November 2007

Merseyside Branch

President: Commander Ian Fraser, VC, DSC

Secretary’s Slot

Hello Sailor,

Hope this edition finds you and yours in good health as we head into the winter routine of dark chilly nights and some pretty dark chilly days too. Don’t know if it is just me, but after our wonderfully wet summer we seem to have been somehow seriously short-changed on sunshine this year. Some of you may still be reminiscing about the Coventry reunion trying to guess who you will have to apologise to next year, and the rest of you could well be focusing on your Christmas plans as the yuletide rapidly approaches.

For me, Christmas came early this year when I was lucky enough to survive a rather unexpected and very scary heart attack. Thanks to some highly efficient paramedics, doctors and nurses I got to live to tell the tale and was able to express my sincere gratitude to those very extraordinary and talented people of the NHS team. Six weeks later I am now pretty much back to normal except for a few life style changes which includes no more smoking as an absolute priority. Thank you to all those who kindly sent cards, best wishes and nicotine patches for my quick recovery – they were very much appreciated I can assure you.

Have received quite a bit of communication from our members down under in the Land of Oz over the past couple of weeks most of them enquiring after the health of Mick Jones and Ray Hedgecock. These are our ‘Magnificent Six’ submariners down in Australia and here they all are taking a bow in this editorial, Tom Oates, Fred Bottrell, Rowdy Yates, John Crisford, John Meek, and Mike Pearson. Fred and Tom are kindly going to circulate the newsletter by internal post down there so saving us a hefty airmail postage bill. The New Zealand SA branch has put us on their electronic mailing list for the ‘Up Periscope’ newsletter and we will respond with e-mail copies of the ‘Submariners Times’ for distribution down there. This is being handled by our oppos ‘Jesse’ James in Auckland and ‘Eddie’ Calvert in Tauranga. Thanks lads for all your help and support in the spread and exchange of news and general articles of interest with fellow sun dodgers wherever they may be in the southern hemisphere.

Just to remind you that our Christmas Banyan Party is on Thursday 13 December in the Arriva Club starting at 1930 hours. This will be a self catering bash which is how we used to run these events many moons ago before we got all pretentious and nearly broke the bank trying to keep up with the yuppie element. I’m sure all our wonderful ladies will rally around and come up with some goodies for a special buffet on the night. Should we miss any of you prior to the holidays may I extend to you and your families all our very best wishes for a happy festive Christmas season and a Happy New Year from Pedlar, Sterling and myself.

Yours Aye – Pedro

Front Cover: HM/S Vanguard homeward bound passing Gibraltar

Diesel Dinosaurs Corner

The Ping Bosun’s Log by Mick Jones

Hello Sailors,

The Leprechaun is back in business, after another spell in Fazakerley Hospital. I am now back at home in the tender care of “She who must be obeyed”, getting stronger by the day and taking nourishment. My grateful thanks to all who sent get well cards (some from as far as Hull and Derby). Also a very big thank you goes to all those who visited me in dry dock and to Shep Woolley for the ‘Grumpy Old Matelot’ t-shirt and that very large bottle of navy rum. All those cards, visits and the rum cheered me up no end. It was also my 85 birthday during this spell in hospital and I was very pleased and proud to receive a card from Rear Admiral Tony Whetstone and his good lady wife. It makes an old AB feel very humble to be so honoured. Surgery is now closed.

Someone once said that life in a submarine was long periods of monotony broken only by brief moments of indescribable horror; I wouldn’t argue with this but sitting here comfortable at night with a glass of malt in ones hand I can only think of the good times. Runs ashore down the Gut, to the John Bull where Bobby played the piano and Sugar did his Carmen Miranda act, those two brown-hatters could have graced the stage of any first class theatre. On the Sliema side of the harbour was the submariner’s pub ‘The Old Dun Cow’ where Annie was mine hostess and one could get legless on Ambeet, the cheap Maltese wine. Further down Sliema front was the Cairo Bar where Deuce, a talented black clarinettist provided the music. These watering holes provided comfort and entertainment for submariners before they went to sea again to face the raging of the sea and the violence of the enemy. Of course we were scared; any who said they were not were either liars or raging lunatics. Was I scared? Well that’s a little secret between me and my underpants. It was said that Admiral Lord Nelson wore a red tunic so that if he were wounded the sailors would not see the blood; it was also said that he wore brown trousers!

This is an extract from ‘Submarines at War 1939-1945’ by Alistair Mars DSO, DSC & Bar:

Even with submarine pay added the total emoluments of Chief and Petty Officers and junior rates remained dismally low, a fact which came increasingly to the notice of Commanding Officers, particularly in many cases where families had been bombed out and were not only homeless but in severe financial trouble. It was of course quite impossible to back pay the men for their service nevertheless something should have been done much earlier to alleviate the distress. The British government was responsible for paying Dutch, Norwegian, French, Belgian and Polish forces, the British sailor being by far the lowest paid, in some cases the pay differentials were staggering. Most of our submarine crews in the Mediterranean had stood by the final stages of their submarines ‘fitting out’ in the British building yards. Therefore they had seen at first hand that even unskilled ship yard workers were being paid five times as much as themselves, whilst the former lived at home with their families at comparatively little personal risk and that they frequently, even in a time of war, went on strike for more money. The pay of an AB Torpedoman, including all submarine allowances was then about 10 shillings a day, if he was killed, which was highly likely, his family would receive about one third of that amount.

I don’t know what the Seaforth Hire Car Company must think of the Submariners Association. Last meeting night Dave Findlay, Ray Hedgecock and I shared a taxi to go downtown to the monthly meeting. The taxi was to call at Dave’s house first, then pick me up and lastly collect Ray. When the taxi arrived at the Finn’s house Dave came hobbling down the path on his two walking sticks and with great difficulty and anguished moans got himself ensconced in the back seat of the fast black. It was then ‘group up’ to my house where yours truly, another crippled submariner with much moaning and groaning managed to get into the back of the cab with Dave.

The young taxi driver was sitting behind the wheel with a strange expression on his face and we told him to proceed to Park Street for the final pick-up. When we got to Ray’s and the driver saw the condition of his next passenger his chin almost hit the deck. This was the big one. The driver had to help Ray into the front seat which was no easy job. Ray is very vocal if his leg gets hurt during these manoeuvres and I’m sure the cries could be heard in Wigan as the driver tried to get Ray’s bad leg into the taxi. During the journey downtown the driver must have gathered from our conversation that we were ex-submariners and he asked us whether this was actually the case. When we confirmed that we were indeed ex-submariners he said, “I always imagined it was a dangerous job but it must have been an absolutely awful life to leave you all in this condition.” Ha! Ha! It’s good to be back in circulation again and to be compiling the Ping Bosun’s Log. Hopefully I can get down to the next meeting or maybe to the Christmas ‘Do’.

Take care and God bless.

Yours Aye

Mick

I’m Fine – Thank You

There is nothing the matter with me
I’m as healthy as healthy can be.
I’ve arthritis in both of my knees
and when I talk, I talk with a wheeze.
My pulse is weak, my blood is thin
but I’m awfully well for the shape I’m in.
Arch supports I have for my feet
or I wouldn’t be able to walk down the street.
Sleep is denied me night after night
but every morning I find I’m alright.
My memory is failing, my head’s in a spin
but I’m awfully well for the shape that I’m in.
My moral is this as my tale I unfold
for you and me who are all growing old.
It’s better to say “I’m fine” with a grin
than to let people know the shape that we’re in.


By Jones ‘O’ Unbroken

“Some ships are designed to sink…. others require our assistance”

Political Correctness Compartment

New Vessels for the Royal Navy

Details have just been released regarding Britain’s next generation of fighting ships. The Royal Navy is justifiably proud of the cutting edge capability of its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers. Costing £750 million apiece, they have been designed to meet the needs of the 21 century, in addition to state-of-the-art technology, weaponry, and guidance systems, the ships will comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights legislation. They will be able to remain at sea for several months and will positively bristle with amenities. For instance; the new user friendly crow’s nest comes equipped with wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress councillors and lawyers will be on duty 24/7 and each ship will have its own onboard industrial tribunal.

The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in accordance with the latest Home Office directives on race, gender, sexuality and disability. Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 37 hours per week in line with EU Health & Safety rules - even in wartime! All bunks will have double occupancy, and the destroyers will all come equipped with a maternity ward and crèche, situated on the same deck as the gay disco. Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be allowed in all messes. The Royal Navy is anxious to shed its traditional reputation of “Rum, Sodomy and the Lash”, so out goes the occasional rum ration which will be replaced with Perrier water, although sodomy will remain and has now been extended to include all ratings under the age of 18. The lash will also remain but only by special request. Condoms can be obtained from the Bos’un in a variety of flavours, except Capstan Full Strength. Saluting officers has been abolished as elitist; it is to be replaced with the more informal “Hello Sailor”. All notices on boards will be in 37 different languages and also Braille. Crew members will no longer be required to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches, and this will of course include the women.

The Ministry of Defence is working on a new ‘non-specific’ flag based on the controversial British Airways ‘Ethnic’ tailfin design, because it is felt that the White Ensign could well be considered offensive to some ethnic and religious minorities. Sea trials are expected to take place soon, when the first of the new destroyers HMS Cautious, sets out on her maiden voyage it will be escorting boatloads of illegal immigrants across the English Channel from France to our ports on the south coast. The ship is due to be launched soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain Abdullah Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. The ship will gently slide into the water to the tune of “In the Navy” written by the Village People and played by the Royal Marines band. A navy spokesman said, “While the ships reflected the very latest of modern thinking they were also capable of being up-graded to comply with any new legislation. His final words were, “Britain never, never waives the rules!”

Whale of a Tale Compartment

The dits featured on this page and in all our future issues have come from a great variety of sources, all of whom shall remain nameless in order to protect both the guilty and the innocent. There is no copyright on a great dit and all are fair game for the re-telling to another naval audience or new generation of sailors. There is absolutely no guarantee of there being any shred of truth in any of them. They are simply here to amuse you and nothing more. Fairy tales or the real deal? – Make your own mind up – Or maybe you were even there when it all happened – Who knows?

Five Minutes to Colours and Make it Snappy!

Picture in your minds eye if you will, Charleston Naval Shipyard, South Carolina, USA, , on a balmy Deep South Sunday morning in the year of Nineteen Hundred and God Knows When. HM/S Courageous is secured alongside the jetty. The time is approximately 0755 hours and the trot sentry has just piped “Five Minutes to Colours – ratings detailed – close up!” So up through the accommodation space hatch they come. One goes for’ard towards the Jack Staff and the other matelot slides round the fin heading back aft.

Milliseconds later at a screaming rate of knots our man from aft is back and is greeted by the OOD. “If you want to pull the Ensign up” he says to the OOD, “fill your f***ing boots sunshine! ‘cause I ain’t going back there” The OOD (somewhat peeved at this dereliction of duty) commences to have a s**t fit, promising said rating stoppage of leave/subbies/gratuitous sex with Yankee grippos etc, if he does not get the said flag up real sharpish.

The rating thrusts the ensign into the OOD’s hands telling him to, “P*** off and do Colours your f***ing self”, and then smartly exits stage left. The OOD now dazed and somewhat confused proceeds round fin (outboard) – gets halfway and makes an instant 180 degree U-turn to rapidly rejoin the Colour party by the accommodation space hatch.

And what you might well ask was the reason for all this totally uncharacteristic and mutinous behaviour? Well, lying draped around the ensign staff, fast asleep basking in the sun, was the biggest F*** O** alligator they’d ever seen, all thirty three chomping feet of him. Needless to say we used the bridge flagpole for colours after that and called in the American plods to deal with our nasty looking reptilian creature. Suffice to say that nobody went aft to read the draft marks at night after that little interlude - they just did it from the jetty.

‘Submariners are a bunch of intelligent misfits that somehow seem to get along, understand each other and work well together’

Branch Business and News

Things are certainly picking up at our meetings even our membership. Last month we welcomed aboard a new member, Sam Price, into the fold. Sam is a townie of Mick Jones’ so the blarney and crack should be pretty good when these two finally meet up. So please introduce yourselves to him at future meetings and make the guy feel at home okay?

Sterling has now assumed the role of branch Treasurer and his statement of accounts based upon our last audit have made it clear that we are seriously short of funds at present and that we need to exercise some economies. We also need to discuss how we can best raise the vital revenue needed for the future management/operation of the branch. All suggestions or ideas on this issue will be most welcomed for consideration at our November meeting.

Another matter raised was the cost of the newsletter in terms of printing, envelopes and postage of 200 copies every two months. As a membership (most of whom are out of town) and not as a lone branch meeting of maybe 28 members at most, you all need to ask yourselves - do you want this newsletter to continue in keeping up our contacts and communications or not? Whilst we will always look for a cheaper way of doing things and we are looking for alternatives, nothing is for nothing and at the end of the day you will always get exactly what you pay for. So all of you who can’t make it down to meetings to air your views, put those views down on paper and let the committee know what it is you do want by writing into the Editor or Chairman. This is most important - so please do give it the thought and attention that it deserves.

Obituary

Our Treasurer, Richard ‘Banjo’ West, crossed the bar on the 6 October, following a long battle with cancer. Banjo was also branch Secretary for several years but deteriorating ill health during the past year caused him to stand down in that role, but he bravely carried on in the Treasurer’s post up to the very end. His funeral was at Landican Crematorium and the standards of the SA and the British Legion were paraded before a full house of friends and mourners on the 16 October. During his 22 years in the RN, 19 in the Submarine Service, Banjo served on the following boats; Warspite, Resolution, Valiant, Tireless and Torbay. Our condolences, thoughts and prayers are with his wife, Irene and their children at this very sad time. Resurgam.

The Boats – In Memoriam

We remember with reverence the boats and the brave crews that remain on ‘Eternal Patrol’ and particularly those that were lost during the months of October/November during World War Two. We will remember them – Resurgam – They shall rise again.

Rainbow, Triad, H49, Tetrarch, Unique, X10, Usurper, Trooper,
Swordfish, Regulus, Simoon, Stratagem

Odds & Sods Locker

The winner of our Caption Competition was Charles Fisher who came up with this winning caption for the three polar bears finding an American nuke in the ice which was, “George, do you think Stokes is going to try and eat it or screw it?” Nice one Chas! – you will receive your £20 drinks voucher at the Christmas Banyan okay?

Just another reminder for you about the Christmas Banyan; this will be a free and easy night for all hands to dance and skylark. We need plenty of big eats supplied if you ladies would kindly oblige by helping out. We shall be having a big Lucky Dip draw with loads of great mystery prizes at a pound a go. So make the effort to attend on the 13 and have a great time in some good company. Hope to see you all there.

The Ditty Box

Not that you lot need any encouraging so I shouldn’t be putting temptation in your way I know – but here we go anyway. Above is Prince Charles awarding Gulf Medals to an Army regiment and it is obvious that he is lost for words when he comes to this female soldier and her ample charms. So come on and give me a winning caption for this one and the best one received gets a £20 drinks voucher. Send your written captions to the Editor at address on front of this issue. Closing date will be the 15 January 2008. The committee’s judging decision will be final and announced at the January meeting.